Never Again
by lunemangelus
Summary: I understand what strong ties you have to Kikyou. But, even knowing that, I still said I wanted to be by your side. I decided that on my own."-ep. 109


After--how long has it been?--whatever. After a long time, I've finally decided to sit down and cram out another fic. ...if I can say another, considering that I haven't finished any of them...::puts on an innocent face:: This one's a one-shot, and I'm not sure if it's gonna turn out as horrible as my others (and don't you dare say that I'm not a horrible writer! I know my skills!) or if it's gonna be as good as I hope it will be. In other words, I'll probably actually revise it! Congratulate me! I've never revised a single chapter before! ...um, right...on with the fic now....

Disclaimer: Inuyasha and all its character do not belong to me. They all belong to Rumiko Takahashi. I can't even honestly claim credit for the plot of this fic....

Never Again

When I was little, I truly believed that everything and anything could be fixed, as long as you put your heart and soul into it. I believed that, no matter what, as long as you held out long enough, were determined enough, and had faith, you would inevitably triumph over the bad guys and obtain unconditional happiness. I believed that the power of love conquered everything. 

It never occurred to me that, just maybe, Beauty never got there in time to see the Beast again and tell him she loved him, that Cinderella never escaped the closet and put on the glass slipper, that maybe, just maybe, Sleeping Beauty never woke up from her enchantment. That the prince never came, that the prince always left, that the prince didn't care...those ideas never occurred to me. 

After all, what kind of prince would leave his beloved princess? And what kind of princess would forsake her prince?

When Inuyasha chose Kikyou over me, I never questioned him. I accepted it, and stayed by his side faithfully. When I came back to the village, I could feel Sango-chan's concerned eyes, and I knew she was wondering why I came back. Why I willingly put myself in such pain. And I would answer myself and say, "Because I want to see him, because I love him too much to stay away." 

I even told Sango-chan that once. She didn't say anything after that, but I would catch her, sometimes, looking at me in sorrow and pity whenever Inuyasha ran off to find Kikyou, because she knew, even if Inuyasha didn't, that I was suffering by staying with him. It hurts too much to stay away, and it hurts too much to be with him, knowing that he will never be mine. 

Sometimes, I find myself forgetting that we were not meant to be, and I laugh with him, teasing him and having fun like any other ordinary schoolgirl with the one she likes. It never lasts long. I always remember, when he walks away, that one day, he really will walk away. One day...he will leave me. He will leave me for Kikyou, even if it is just to go to Hell with her. One day, he will leave me, and while he will have Kikyou, I will have nobody. 

I will not have Inuyasha.

So I smile and I bear it, cherishing every moment I have with him. I hunt for the shikon shards, ignoring the fact that the day we finish the jewel and rid the earth of Naraku's existence, the day Sango, Miroku, Inuyasha, and Shippou would have waited for, the day they'll celebrate, will also be the day that I give Inuyasha the Shikon no Tama, in its full and complete form. The day he will no longer be tied to me, and the day he will leave me. But I will be tied to him, always. I love him too much to forget him and just leave him behind.

Maybe I'll find someone, I don't know. Someone who loves me, and someone I'll love back. But it will never be the love I hold for that irresponsible, loud-mouthed, childish, inu-hanyou, Inuyasha. 

In my dreams, my Prince Charming was just that. Charming, polite, fun to be around with, gentle. I never expected to fall in love with someone like Inuyasha, uncouth and uncivilized, having to strain to become gentle because of all the horrible experiences in his past. And fun to be around with? We end up in more fights than I believed possible. He just seems to stomp on all my attempts to be calm and patient, and I just...erupt. 

Like when he was constantly bugging me about why I was avoiding him, and after him asking Kikyou to come with him to defeat the Shichinintai...right in front of me. I explained to him that I was not angry with him, that I would not leave him. I reminded him that I chose to stay, nobody made me choose. Then I got angry because he had annoyed me all day about it, or that's what I said. I was angry, just not as much as I made out to be, not about that, anyway. I was angry about Kikyou, and I took it out on him, slamming him repeatedly into the ground. 

Afterwards, I beat myself up about it. What had I become, to take my anger like that out on Inuyasha? But that wasn't the first time--I had done it many times before, whenever I was stressed over Kikyou, whenever I felt sad and self-pitying, and then I would go to Inuyasha and pick a fight with him, then sit him. I couldn't talk to him and tell him how I was feeling, like I did with everyone else. I couldn't, because if I did, it would make him feel guilty, and he would change his mind, just so I would be happy. I wouldn't be able to live, knowing he had done that just for me. That much, I think, is the same from before.

I wonder...what would I be like if I had never met Inuyasha? If Buyo hadn't gone down to the well house, if the centipede-youkai hadn't dragged me down to the Sengoku Jidai. 

I would probably still be a normal schoolgirl struggling in her last year of junior high to get a good grade on her exams to get in a good high school, then struggling again to get into a good college, and get a good job with a nice husband and kids. I will never be able to do that, not after all that's happened... 

I will never be able to love anyone again. Inuyasha has taken all the love in my heart for himself, and I won't ever be able to get it back. I'm not strong enough to get it back, and I don't want to get it back. I'm happiest with Inuyasha, and I'm saddest with Inuyasha. He relieves me of the burden I carry and stops me from feeling any pain while giving me more to carry and stabbing me in the heart, repeatedly, with those claws of his. 

It hurts so much...

Never again will I be Higurashi Kagome, a regular schoolgirl. Never again will I be able to laugh with all my heart and soul, never again will I feel pure, unconditional happiness.

Who am I? I am not sure.... I don't seem to know anything these days...I don't know if we will ever beat Naraku, don't know if I myself won't die while battling him, don't know if Sango, Miroku, or even Shippou will die battling him..._Inuyasha..._I don't know if he will die, either. I don't even know if he chose to be with Kikyou out of love, or out of honor and duty and guilt. I am not sure which one is worse...

But I convince myself that he must have chosen her out of love, because he loves her even though she was the one who sealed him. It's nothing that I haven't done. I shot him with an arrow, right in the heart, too...I wasn't strong enough to stop the shikon shard from controlling me. I never seem to be strong enough. 

Even if Inuyasha loved me, could he possibly love me more than Kikyou? And if he did...then why is he leaving me? 

Why?

I am Beauty when she forsook the Beast. I am Cinderella when she gave up hope and never tried on the glass sleeper. I am Sleeping Beauty, forever waiting for my prince to awaken me with True Love's first kiss, because my prince, my hanyou, will never come.

My Inuyasha....

A/N: As most of you can probably tell, I wrote this after watching episode 109 on the computer (it doesn't work anywhere else in the house) and I got all sad and wanted to write...and so I wrote. R+R, people, and tell me what you think.


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